I'm Still Fat

Yep. Still fat. Don't know what else to say. Don't know what to do about it.

The Road More Traveled

Well, as hard as it is to believe, I chose the wrong road again....Maybe after the holidays I can do better. There is bound to be another crossroad. This sucks...

Trying Not to Give Up

Once again I find myself at a crossroads-do I continue down the path to good health and happiness, or do I continue to wallow in my self doubt and eat myself to death by the time I am 40?

You would think it would be an easy decision, but it is unfortunately the hardest decision I make on a daily, even hourly basis. So, why is it so hard you may ask? The choice seems obvious. Lose weight--live longer, don't have to dread getting dressed everyday, can go into a store and buy clothes if you want to, can walk up one flight of stairs without being out of breath, can sit in chairs without worrying if they are going to hold you, etc. Don't lose weight--die sooner and live miserably everyday until death comes. Easy choice right?

You would think so, but everyday I wake up thinking, "Today is the day I am going to do it. I am going to eat right (whatever that means) or I am not going to eat or I am going to exercise. But, inevitably, I never do follow through. Something compels me to eat whatever I want, whatever makes me feel good. And I am so fat that it is hard for me to convince myself to exercise, because it is such hard work just to even walk.

I don't know if anyone reading this can ever understand where I am coming from. You skinny people out there look at me and think, "Why doesn't he just lose weight?" "If he would just stop eating all of the 'bad' food and would exercise, he would be normal." What you don't understand is that I know how to lose weight better than anyone. I have been on every diet known to man. I understand the science behind weight loss probably better than most. I ought to. I have spent over a decade of my life studying how to lose weight. But, what I haven't discovered is how to convince myself to do actually do what I know will work- burning more calories than I take in. If I can ever figure that out, I will have no problem.

You would think I would have enough motivation with just the few evils I listed above. But, the biggest problem is that I haven't had any medical problems due to my weight. My blood pressure is normal. My glucose level is normal. My cholesterol is normal. I think if I had a reason to lose weight other than comfort of life, it would help. I am not saying that I want something to happen to me, but I am surprised it hasn't yet. Maybe it is just a matter of time...

And so the clock ticks while I stand here again at this fork in the road of life or death. I want to choose life. I want to choose life...

My Body Rejects Weight Loss

So, I spent the last week finally deciding to take the plunge and get serious about losing weight. I decided that I would start by giving up fried foods and sweets. I would also not eat anything after dinner. I would also try and get to the gym as many times as I could.

Well, I went a whole week without any fried foods or sweets (except two brownies that I ate at work). I did have taco bell once during that period, but I had beans, cheese and rice, and no beef. I also made it to the gym twice and even played a game of 2-on-2 with my son against another father/son team. (We won't talk about the final score, but I had fun playing anyway). And, I did not eat anything after dinner, which was a big change for me.

So, I fully expected to jump on the scale on Sunday (my normal weigh-in day) and see at least some sort of loss. But, of course, my body does not understand losing weight. It only understands piling it on, and on, and on. It makes no sense to me. Less calories in and burning calories by exercise should result in weight loss. I even reduced my sodium intake, thinking maybe I was retaining water. But that didn't help, obviously. I ended up gaining 2 lbs!!!!!

It makes me mad just thinking about it. I was hungry for an entire week with the opposite results I was expecting. It is enough to make you just give up...

What's the point?

A Little Weight Lost

I lost weight this week! It was only .2 lbs., but it went down instead of up. For the past several weeks, it has been slowly climbing. I hope to take this small victory and turn it into a better loss next week We'll see how it goes.

It is feet cracking time again. For the past three or four winters, my feet have suffered a drying out and painful cracking. They end up with large gaping wounds that never seem to heal and continually dry out, no matter how much lotion I put on them. I usually end up having to put band-aids on them and make sure I do not go barefoot very often. As gross as it sounds, the sweatier they are the less they crack. I know that I am probably dehydrated at the same time, so that doesn't help. I thought it may be signs of diabetes, but I have had my glucose tested and it was at a normal level. So, I think it just the extra weight my feet have to support. Anyway, it started up again this week, so that must mean that winter is right around the corner. Yeah for me.

Walk Two Miles in My Shoes

Yes, yes, believe or not, yesterday I walked two miles. Like the trail a couple of days ago, it wasn't that bad. The worst part being that I walk with a limp due to my left knee surgery. When I walk I put all of my weight on my right side. So, that causes my right side to wear out faster than my left. But other than that, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I need to start doing it on a semi-daily basis. Once my son's football season is over, I could probably squeeze that in most evenings. At least that would be something.

I haven't really changed my diet this week, as I had planned. I know, I know...big shocker. But, hey, at least I have walked a little. :)

I did take one thing away from church this week. The pastor said, "You can't change the past, but you can directly affect the future." I realized that I have always looked at losing weight as trying to erase the mistakes I had made in the past. But, when faced with those insurmountable amount of weight, I always give up. So, I started thinking, maybe instead of trying to change the past, which is impossible, maybe I should start working on changing my future. If I can create a future where I am no longer "Mr. Fat Guy", maybe I will have a chance at getting rid of this weight. Granted, I haven't done a lot to change my future since I heard that on Sunday, but at least I have some sort of a plan. If I can make a small change every week in the way I am currently eating/exercising, then it can affect my future. I can't go back and change what I ate last week, but I can change what I do tomorrow.

Here's to the future.

Mr. Fat Guy on Vacation

It is Saturday and beautiful outside here in Northwest Arkansas, so I decided to take my family to a local hiking trail. I can definitely use the exercise, and my wife was recently instructed by her doctor to walk at least 2 miles a day, so I thought we could go with her and "kill two birds with one stone", so to speak. It was actually a nice time, other than my son insisting on walking on the edge of drop-offs. I didn't have any trouble with my knees, and I worked up a good sweat. However, when we got home and out of the truck, I sure was stiff. But, it was worth it. We got some pretty neat pictures.

Anyway, I started my week-long vacation this week. We don't have any money, because we currently have two homes and can't seem to get rid one of them, so I will just be hanging out around the house and doing as little as possible. That should be nice, too. I am convinced that I could be a hermit, if I needed to be. I enjoy being by myself sometimes. I don't get to do it very often, though. So maybe some time this week. But, I also enjoy being alone with my wife. Since the kids are in school, I will have that opportunity as well. It should be a good week.

Go Hogs..beat the Gamecocks!!!

Going on Vacation

Is is just me or do all employers try to work the poop out of you right before you go on a vacation? It has been a long week. But tomorrow is the last day of work before my ten days of doing nothing. It should be enjoyable.

I am hoping to take that ten days and start a diet and exercise program. I figure with a week off, I can get off to a great start. I should be able to devote my week to it. We'll see how it goes. I won't hold my breath. (Mainly because I don't think I can hold my breath for ten days...Probably for just a minute or so. :) )

Life has been a little better since I have been getting all of my thoughts out. I hope it continues on that pattern.

The Next Day

The good news is that today is the first day in a long time where my first thought was not of my own death. I eventually thought of it, but shrugged it off. So, that was a nice change. Maybe writing it out helped. The bad news is I did the food thing again last night. Instead of eating at home as we had been, we decided to go to Sonic to have half-price burgers. Of course, I volunteered to go and get them, so I could order lots and lots of food for me. See, here is the deal. I am ashamed to tell my wife how much food to order me when she goes and picks it up. So, I usually volunteer. That way I can get as much as I want and not feel ashamed about it. So, last night, I ordered myself a cheeseburger, a corn dog, some onion rings and a new product they had—fried macaroni and cheese. As if this was not enough, when I got home, I discovered that they had given us an extra cheeseburger. So, of course, I went ahead and ate that, too. That’s right. I had 2 cheeseburgers, a corn dog, onion rings, and fried macaroni and cheese. That wasn’t enough to satisfy my lust for food, so I topped it off with 10 oatmeal cranberry cookies that my wife had made earlier in the day. Of course, I washed all of this down with diet soda; because I am watching my calories…I’ve got to be out of my mind. Do you know what I had for lunch yesterday? I had 3 frozen beef and bean burritos topped with colby jack cheese, sour cream and salsa. I also had a cup of pudding and of course my diet soda. So, in all yesterday, I ate no vegetables and no fruit. I didn’t eat breakfast and the only exercise I got was from walking to and from my vehicle into work. I wonder why I am morbidly obese?

As you may have noticed from the date above, today is Halloween. I hate Halloween. I hate everything about it. I was not allowed to celebrate Halloween when I was a kid growing up. I was raised in a Christian home and Halloween is a celebration of everything that is evil. Unfortunately, it is the fastest growing holiday in the United States. My employer is making more and more money on it everyday. I was walking in to work this morning and trying to figure out when it became OK to celebrate death and evil with decorations such as mummies, skulls, coffins, grotesque and distorted faces lining the walls of the place where I come to make money. Oh, and the best part is, that most of these folks will bring their children in to see all of this, and it will be a great celebration with costumes, games and candy. The world has gone completely insane. Now, as a disclaimer, my wife and I have chosen to let our children decide if they want to celebrate Halloween or not. My daughter dressed up today for school, and it was her choice. She may even come to my work and trick or treat. But, then there is me. As if I did not have enough problems, I am now looked at as a leper because I choose not to join in the morbidity. That is OK though. I will get my reward someday, I pray, for holding true to my convictions. I should have taken the day off…

Meet Mr. Fat Guy

I don’t know why I am writing this or who it is for, but I felt like I needed to try and get it out of my head.

I wake up every morning wondering when I am going to die. I am slowly eating myself to death. It is like my body is trying to commit the slowest form of suicide possible, and I can’t stop it no matter how much I want to live. That is the only reason I can come up with to my constant need to eat, anyway. I weigh 378 lbs!! I think if I could lose about 160 lbs. my body would not want to die. The problem is I can’t seem to convince myself to lose it. Something in my brain tells me that I need to eat, no matter how miserable I am on a daily basis. I struggle to even walk. And when I do, I walk with a limp due to a knee surgery 10 years ago that removed 90% of the cartilage from my left knee and all the extra weight I now carry. Heck, I can barely stand up. If I sit somewhere too long, it takes me a second to roll myself up, and then everything snaps and pops and creaks and groans. My body is screaming at me to give it a rest. It won’t be able to support me much longer at this rate.

The other thought that I have before I go to bed and when I wake up is, “I will not eat today. Or I will only eat this. Or I will only eat that.” But, inevitably, I eat more than I probably would have if I hadn’t thought about it. I no longer know what it means to eat like a normal human being. For instance, if I go to McDonald’s, which is bad enough, I will order enough for probably 2-3 people. Instead of ordering a Value Meal and being done with it, I will order a value meal and large size it, add at least one or two more sandwiches off of the value menu and probably a pie. However, I always get a diet soda, so that is something. Overall, I am probably consuming close to 3000 calories in one sitting!! That doesn’t count any of the rest of the food that I ate that day. The other thought is always about exercise. “I think I will start walking today, which will lead to jogging, which will lead to running, which will lead to running a marathon.” Somehow in the midst of my outrageous daydreams of completing a marathon, I manage to forget that I can barely even walk because of my weight. When I remember, then I resign myself to lose some weight so I can exercise. It is a vicious cycle that I can not break.

Then there are the constant questions and fears that I deal with everyday. Will the chair hold me? Will my pants rip? Will my pants fall down? Do people think I am a lazy slob because of my size and my limited wardrobe? Will I sweat a lot and start to stink? Why is everyone constantly looking at me when I am eating? Will I be the biggest person in the room? Will I fall down and not be able to get up? Will I drop something and not be able to pick it up? Will I fit in that vehicle? Will they want me to fly somewhere for work, and I will have to refuse because I can’t fit in the seats? Will the chairs have arms that will make it extremely uncomfortable? Will it involve physical labor, because most of it I can not do without profusely sweating? Will I ever get a good night’s sleep again? Will my back stop hurting after lying in bed for only 5 hours?

The problem with all of the people I am around on a daily basis is that none of them have ever weighed what I weigh. None of them have ever had to deal with any of the questions above. They have always had the pleasure of shopping in normal stores. There is no one to relate to. I am sure they all just think that I got this way because I am a lazy slob, and that I must enjoy being this weight. I admit it. I am lazy most of the time. But, if I had a choice, I would be as fit as possible. Living this way is the worst sort of punishment. I often think about how I got this way. Let me make this clear up front. I AM NOT A VICTIM. I did this to myself and take full responsibility for it. But how did it all start? I was always a skinny kid. I was always running around and playing something outside. We didn’t have a whole lot of extra money, so we usually ate at home. In Junior High, I was on the basketball team and was a star distance runner in track in the 800m. (I know. I can’t believe it either). But, I got to high school and did not make the basketball team, so I dropped athletics altogether and focused on my music. I also started working at Dairy Queen at that time. I am sure the combination of no more daily exercise and cheap fast food probably started me down this path that led me to where I find myself. But, then it snowballed after I got married. It wasn’t the marriage part that made me this way. It was the getting into a routine with late nights at work and not eating at home that I could not escape.

I celebrate my marriage everyday and would not trade it for anything in the world. But, I feel bad everyday for my wife for having to be married to me. I am not the man she married. I am on the inside (definitely more opinionated, but mostly the same), but on the outside, I am a grotesque version of what she fell in love with. But, I know her love is unconditional, and she did not fall in love with my body.

That is enough for now.