Trying Not to Give Up

Once again I find myself at a crossroads-do I continue down the path to good health and happiness, or do I continue to wallow in my self doubt and eat myself to death by the time I am 40?

You would think it would be an easy decision, but it is unfortunately the hardest decision I make on a daily, even hourly basis. So, why is it so hard you may ask? The choice seems obvious. Lose weight--live longer, don't have to dread getting dressed everyday, can go into a store and buy clothes if you want to, can walk up one flight of stairs without being out of breath, can sit in chairs without worrying if they are going to hold you, etc. Don't lose weight--die sooner and live miserably everyday until death comes. Easy choice right?

You would think so, but everyday I wake up thinking, "Today is the day I am going to do it. I am going to eat right (whatever that means) or I am not going to eat or I am going to exercise. But, inevitably, I never do follow through. Something compels me to eat whatever I want, whatever makes me feel good. And I am so fat that it is hard for me to convince myself to exercise, because it is such hard work just to even walk.

I don't know if anyone reading this can ever understand where I am coming from. You skinny people out there look at me and think, "Why doesn't he just lose weight?" "If he would just stop eating all of the 'bad' food and would exercise, he would be normal." What you don't understand is that I know how to lose weight better than anyone. I have been on every diet known to man. I understand the science behind weight loss probably better than most. I ought to. I have spent over a decade of my life studying how to lose weight. But, what I haven't discovered is how to convince myself to do actually do what I know will work- burning more calories than I take in. If I can ever figure that out, I will have no problem.

You would think I would have enough motivation with just the few evils I listed above. But, the biggest problem is that I haven't had any medical problems due to my weight. My blood pressure is normal. My glucose level is normal. My cholesterol is normal. I think if I had a reason to lose weight other than comfort of life, it would help. I am not saying that I want something to happen to me, but I am surprised it hasn't yet. Maybe it is just a matter of time...

And so the clock ticks while I stand here again at this fork in the road of life or death. I want to choose life. I want to choose life...