I'm Still Fat

Yep. Still fat. Don't know what else to say. Don't know what to do about it.

The Road More Traveled

Well, as hard as it is to believe, I chose the wrong road again....Maybe after the holidays I can do better. There is bound to be another crossroad. This sucks...

Trying Not to Give Up

Once again I find myself at a crossroads-do I continue down the path to good health and happiness, or do I continue to wallow in my self doubt and eat myself to death by the time I am 40?

You would think it would be an easy decision, but it is unfortunately the hardest decision I make on a daily, even hourly basis. So, why is it so hard you may ask? The choice seems obvious. Lose weight--live longer, don't have to dread getting dressed everyday, can go into a store and buy clothes if you want to, can walk up one flight of stairs without being out of breath, can sit in chairs without worrying if they are going to hold you, etc. Don't lose weight--die sooner and live miserably everyday until death comes. Easy choice right?

You would think so, but everyday I wake up thinking, "Today is the day I am going to do it. I am going to eat right (whatever that means) or I am not going to eat or I am going to exercise. But, inevitably, I never do follow through. Something compels me to eat whatever I want, whatever makes me feel good. And I am so fat that it is hard for me to convince myself to exercise, because it is such hard work just to even walk.

I don't know if anyone reading this can ever understand where I am coming from. You skinny people out there look at me and think, "Why doesn't he just lose weight?" "If he would just stop eating all of the 'bad' food and would exercise, he would be normal." What you don't understand is that I know how to lose weight better than anyone. I have been on every diet known to man. I understand the science behind weight loss probably better than most. I ought to. I have spent over a decade of my life studying how to lose weight. But, what I haven't discovered is how to convince myself to do actually do what I know will work- burning more calories than I take in. If I can ever figure that out, I will have no problem.

You would think I would have enough motivation with just the few evils I listed above. But, the biggest problem is that I haven't had any medical problems due to my weight. My blood pressure is normal. My glucose level is normal. My cholesterol is normal. I think if I had a reason to lose weight other than comfort of life, it would help. I am not saying that I want something to happen to me, but I am surprised it hasn't yet. Maybe it is just a matter of time...

And so the clock ticks while I stand here again at this fork in the road of life or death. I want to choose life. I want to choose life...

My Body Rejects Weight Loss

So, I spent the last week finally deciding to take the plunge and get serious about losing weight. I decided that I would start by giving up fried foods and sweets. I would also not eat anything after dinner. I would also try and get to the gym as many times as I could.

Well, I went a whole week without any fried foods or sweets (except two brownies that I ate at work). I did have taco bell once during that period, but I had beans, cheese and rice, and no beef. I also made it to the gym twice and even played a game of 2-on-2 with my son against another father/son team. (We won't talk about the final score, but I had fun playing anyway). And, I did not eat anything after dinner, which was a big change for me.

So, I fully expected to jump on the scale on Sunday (my normal weigh-in day) and see at least some sort of loss. But, of course, my body does not understand losing weight. It only understands piling it on, and on, and on. It makes no sense to me. Less calories in and burning calories by exercise should result in weight loss. I even reduced my sodium intake, thinking maybe I was retaining water. But that didn't help, obviously. I ended up gaining 2 lbs!!!!!

It makes me mad just thinking about it. I was hungry for an entire week with the opposite results I was expecting. It is enough to make you just give up...

What's the point?